Separation anxiety

School starts up again in two weeks but before we get to that milestone I have one more huge summer hurdle to clear: I'm losing my oldest child for a week.

A few weeks ago my mom invited the girls and I to join her and her girlfriend on a trip to North Carolina. For several reasons I just can't go but they invited Anna to join them.

I immediately spiraled into a mess of motherhood anxiety. I've never been away from my children for more than three nights and that was only this past spring. And that was hard.

My mind raced through the pros and cons:

Anna IS in a very adventurous phase right now and I know she would have a blast.

But at some point she will undoubtedly become terribly homesick and probably have some sort of emotional meltdown. And Anna's meltdowns can be intense.

However my mother of all people is excellent at soothing and distracting Anna and helping her get past her more difficult moods. And goodness knows Anna surprises us every day, I might not be giving her enough credit.

What am I talking about? How can I send my baby away for that long, I would miss her like crazy! Not to mention her father and sister, who are kind of attached to the kid. And dealing with the father and sister missing Anna could be as hard as missing her myself.

On the other hand, Rachel has been absolutely loving one-on-one time with her favorite adults lately so it might be the perfect time for the girls to have some separation.

And on that note, with school starting in two weeks it is actually a really good time for the ever-clingy-Anna to get some separation from ME.

At the end of the day - or the five seconds it took for all of these thoughts to flash through my mind - it boiled down to two questions for me: would she have fun and would she be well taken care of? The answers to those two questions were yes. The rest of it, well I just would have to suck it up and not be selfish.

Like all Jewish children Anna was given a Hebrew name as well as her English one. Anna Frances is also Chana Fayga, which means "graceful bird."

She leaves me early Saturday morning and will be gone a whole week if all goes as planned. Rachel and I have several "special things" planned throughout the week to keep me - I mean Rachel - occupied.

I will try not to engage in weepy blogging. But forgive me if I do.

Take Us Back In Time Tuesday - 8/25/09

This week's entry in Mrs. Schmitty's Take Us Back In Time Tuesday project is simultaneously one of my favorite pictures of all time and one of the worst photos ever taken of me.

This was taken November 16, 2005, the day after Rachel was born. An eleven-month-old Anna could not have possibly understood why Mommy went to work Monday morning and never picked her up. Tuesday afternoon, after 24 hours of trying to stop my premature labor, Rachel was born and taken to the NICU. On Wednesday I was finally out of bed and recovering from my second c-section in twelve months. By Wednesday evening I was still unshowered and in pain, my face still red and itchy from the medication in the spinal, but I needed my Anna. My mom brought her up to see me in her little red sleeper and I don't know who was happier to see whom. I couldn't hold her in my lap because of the incision but someone perched her on the arm of my chair so we could snuggle. In typical determined Anna fashion she wiggled herself around until she could assume her sleepy position - right thumb in mouth, left hand touching her hair. She still does this when she gets tired. I have a million pictures of her in this position, but this is by far my favorite.

If you would like to take part in this awesome project, the participation rules are here and the Mr. Linky link can be found here.

A rare moment

Confession: I am an intensely political person. This may surprise some because I rarely speak about politics. I avoid discussion because I get so emotional about the subject that it usually just ruins my day.

There have been several political events in my lifetime that stand out as moments that changed my world view, or at least my view of American politics. One of these events was the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings. Another was the Clinton impeachment and all of the events that surrounded that time. I still have a hard time discussing those things because of the profound effect they had on me.

Those two situations pale in comparison to what is going on with our health care system right now. I am so angry that I can barely listen to the current debates.

I take one daily medication. It is nobody's business what that medication is but suffice it to say that I can not function without it. This medication does not come in generic form because some drug company can make much more money keeping it under a name brand. It costs me about $50 per month, with my insurance and only if I fill it through mail order. If I try to use my local pharmacy it costs me closer to $80 per month. Between our insurance premiums, our deductibles, our prescriptions and our copays we spend more money on health care expenses than our grocery, drug store and utility bills combined. And we are one of the lucky families who actually have insurance. And we still aren't getting what we need - my husband chose to eliminate one of his necessary medications because it was outrageously expensive and we very simply cannot afford it. When my daughter broke her arm last year she required an emergency visit with an x-ray and a sling, then two trips to the orthopedist with x-rays each time. Do you know how much of that my insurance paid for? Come on, guess. I will give you a minute.







Did you guess? Was your guess $15.86 (yes, that is a period, not a comma)? Because that is the exact amount my insurance company paid for that whole ordeal. Apparently Anna hadn't met her deductible yet for the year, plus some of that stuff wasn't covered for some reason that I still cannot get anyone to explain to me sufficiently. I am still paying off that broken arm.

My family is far from being the worst off in this country. We are struggling mightily but we do have employer provided insurance, ineffective though it is. When we were on COBRA our premiums were higher than our mortgage payment, coming in every month at $1500. And we were just a family of three back then, so I guess I should be thankful. But I'm not. I'm so incredibly angry that it's probably a good thing I don't live closer to Washington.

Mostly I just want to know: how in the name of everything good and holy is this acceptable?

How is it ok that the US ranks so low in the world's healthcare systems?

How is it ok that educated, informed adults are going all over the county telling outright lies - LIES! Just making stuff up! - to the American public?

Why is the American public not pissed off about being lied to?

Why do so many Americans just believe the garbage being shoveled over their heads without doing some actual research of their own?

Why does my husband have to go without a necessary medication so that we can feed our kids?

Why aren't doctors more vocal in the debate? Doesn't it make a doctor's job more difficult when the patient waits until they are very sick to come in because they can't afford preventative care? Or when a patient stops taking a medication for financial reasons?

Why don't more people see health care as a social necessity and not a privilege?

Why aren't more people as angry as I am?

Girl knows what she's doing

I often jokingly call Anna "Danna" because of her resemblance - in looks and in personality - to her father. She truly is a miniature version of my husband, down the smallest idiosyncratic tics and the spot on her back she likes me to scratch. Sometimes I actually have to call Dan in to handle Anna situations when I get frustrated. "I don't get her," I shamefully admit to him. "I do," is his response and more often than not he really does. Dan just GETS Anna, understands the way her mind works and why she needs things to be just so. The same way I GET Rachel.

This is not to lessen the connection I have with my oldest daughter. It certainly is a special one and every once in a while I get to really see what is going in that head. And those moments are sort of awesome.

A few nights ago I give the fifteen minute bedtime warning and both girls scrambled for my lap. Anna wins the initial tussle and stretches across my legs, leaving no room for her sister. Rachel protests loudly and I suggest she go cuddle with Daddy on the couch. She refuses, choosing instead to battle it out with Anna, who is totally gloating.

"Rachel, Daddy needs hugs, look how sad he is!" I try again. Dan pouts appropriately, playing along.

"No! I want Mommy!"

"Fine," Anna announces. "I will go cuddle with Daddy." And she starts to get up.

"NOOOOOOO!" Rachel shouts and flies at her father with such force that I hear the "ooomph" as she lands on his chest.

I look at Anna, fearing that the next round of complaining is about to start. Instead she glances at me over her shoulder with such a knowing look and a tiny smirk that I can't help but stare back at her in awe.

That girl is no fool.

Thirty eight

It's my birthday today and other than the fact that I know I will be able to take a lengthy nap later with no one complaining about it, I find it hard to get excited. As a couple Dan and I have never gone all out on birthdays with huge presents or surprise trips or anything. We usually opt for a nice dinner somewhere and a small gift.

My favorite birthday ever? Turning 30. I had sort of dreaded it for no real reason other than I was sort of supposed to. But then Dan took me to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse and I looked at him and burst into happy tears, realizing that I really had everything I'd ever wanted to have by the time I was thirty. We were planning our wedding and I was filled with joy and excitement for the life we were about to make together.

While I'm dragging out the old pictures, here are a few I found on photobucket of me as a toddler. Click to view them larger, if you dare.

I like this one in particular, if only because it proves that I just may really be Anna's birth mother.

And further proof that I've never once in my life had a good hair day.

I plan on spending some time alone today and taking that nap. My mom will be taking the girls and allowing them to help make dinner and cake and then Dan and I will head over there to enjoy the goodies. Because that is my present to my husband - letting him off the "where do I take her for dinner" hook.

Take Us Back In Time Tuesday - 8/18/09

Continuing my participation in Mrs. Schmitty's Take Us Back In Time Tuesday project, I present to you this - gasp - completely not-child-related photo. In fact, this week's entry predates my children completely, predates my marriage even. It may even predate some of the common sense I've attained since my early twenties. Behold:

That would be me, rappelling in northern Israel in the spring of 1994. I was completely terrified. See my right hand, how it's holding onto the rope in a death grip? I was supposed to be loosely holding that rope while allowing it to slide through my fingers as I gracefully descended the side of the mountain. Instead, I wound up with a palm full of bloody rope burns. Whatever, I did it and I was so glad I did. I'm also glad I gave a friend my camera because looking at the sheer terror in my face brings me back to that moment every single time.

If you would like to take part in this wonderfully nostalgic project, the participation rules are here and the Mr. Linky link can be found here.

Not so wild herd

I might not have teams of gorgeous mustangs on my property like The Pioneer Woman, but I do have this exotic herd:

Did you know that these ponies have magnetic feet? I didn't. At least not until the girls went to bed a few nights ago and I walked into my kitchen only to find this scene on my refrigerator door. I love finding little surprises like this. I consider it one of motherhood's bonuses.